Shot To Hell

Well i just got pushed under a bus.... Life sucks

sometimes, especially when you are feeling some

thing strong for someone and they just jump, pee,

crap, stab, rip, step on it. Its like i was just a

phase, like a toy to a child... What i mean is i was

a pair of dirty underwear that was thrown away

after one use, or i could be like a one night stand,

man that really sucks.

Well my next few weeks are blown to hell now.

So i'm gunna try and keep my mind positive if i

can.

P.S.

This post is about Crystal.

The Big pickle

One of the most biggest pickles i have ever
been in, the one that decides my future. Will
the life of torment ever end.

About two and a half years ago i started a
relationship with a sister in my congregation,
we fell in love. So happened, what i dreaded
the most happened, an elder that was rogue
made her go to the elder body and tell lies
which in turn broke us up.

Two months later she came to me and
apologized and explained why she did what
she did, we came to an understanding and
decided to go on hold and date again when
the time was right.

A year and a half has past sense that conve-
rsation, problems have come up and come
down, but the worst to happen was the fact
that she had started dating someone else,
which i just found out recently was lie created
to make me leave her, which i did and started
a new relationship only to find out that my
former girlfriend wants to get back with me
still.

What do i do.

3:00am

I'm awake and its 3:00am, time is moving like I am,
slow, hurt, disconnected, and still going. I had a
dream, and it was painful.

I'm at my house, its just after 7:00pm, people are
coming over so go to start cleaning my kitchen ta-
ble and i see her there, i see her just the way i left
her at the build. I felt anxious, shortness of breath,
butterflies in my stomach, not knowing what i sho-
uld say or do.

So I sat in front of her and said: Are you still mine?
I stood up and went to her put my hands at her
waist, she put hers to my neck and says: You
know I am. we hold each other not knowing how
though, because we have never done so... Its time
for her to leave, I don't walk her out, I watch as my
whole life is walking out the door.

I run over, but I'm to late, she's gone. My heart is
pounding, I cant breath my head begins to hurt, I
breakdown.

I'm awake now. I'm soaking in sweat I'm out of
breath and here alone and its 3:00am, fighting
myself not to text her, I want to so bad.

I'm actually writing this now , hoping that she will
read and know that I miss her, that I long to see her,
and that I hunger for the touch I have never felt.

I cant sleep at night, for when I do, I see things that
make me hurt and depressed, because there is
nothing I can do to change it, every time I realize this
I... Well, that's another story.